Ventilation...

I haven't had the best start to 2006. I mean, it hasn't been dreadful or horrific by any means, but it hasn't been ideal. I've somehow got a nice case of food poisoning and to be perfectly honest, it's just coming out too freely. I know, a little TMI. Suffer. This is my blog and it's not like we all haven't been there before!

Anyway, I was sitting here, thinking about the bad day I had and then I realised that I internalise a lot of small, trivial stuff which amounts to a lot of big shit for me. Mostly, it just culminates with one small concern and I flip out. So, I was here on the lounge, wondering why I couldn't tell the people around me, like Glen. Then I realised it is because the stuff I 'sweat' is small and trivial, and why should I bother people with small crap like that?

So, I guess I'm sitting here, wondering why I don't vent in my blog. Whinge about the small stuff and really get it out of my system. Yes, I know it might seem like I whinge a lot, or it might seem like I don't say much at all. But, I guess it's a forewarning for anyone who doesn't want to hear my whinge, from time to time.

What led me here was today's events. It was my first day back at work, this combined with gastro and lack of sleep, due to dehydration, I was a little out of it today. I was knackered before I woke up. Ok. Preface finished.

So, my colleague and I compiled a feedback form today, for a project we'd completed late last year. We wanted to know what people thought of what we did. So, we got a bit high tech and decided to fiddle with form fields and drop down menus. You see, the thing with drop down menus in word is you have to lock the document before the drop down screens work. Anyway, so we sent out the feedback form and someone called and said that there wasn't any place for them to say that our 'service' was fabulous. We had just assumed that people would say they wanted to change it, and that things like communication needed to 'more' or 'less'. There was no facility for it to be 'acceptable' or 'fine as it was'. So, taking his positive feedback on board, I quickly changed the template and resent it. I stupidly forgot to lock the document and these people won't know how to do it themselves, so that they can access the drop down menus.

No, not all the questions in the questionnaire needed a drop down menu - thank god. But there were 4 questions which relied on it. I felt like a bit of a fool and I guess it adds to what some people think out in the network of offices. We didn't have the nicest of experiences with some of the sites when completing our project and there was some friction. Obviously, I'm annoyed and irritated by my stupidity, and short of reposting the questionnaire, I have to leave it as it is, so I can save face. It shits me. I always do this. I plan something, but I fail to pick it from all angles, and thus, someone else ends up picking something up, and I either lose face, or I'm spared the shame.

I don't really know what to do about my stupidity on a day to day basis. I mean, I know I've done this before and it's usually when I'm in a rush to rectify a situation that was inadvertantly created. Don't get me wrong, I don't do it on a regular occurence, but enough for me to know I have done it before and that I could kick myself for it. It's usually when I am not quite with it, or there are many many things occupying my mind.

I could beat myself up for it. I could lose sleep over it, like I would normally do. But I have chosen to blog about it, to try and vent a little. You know, this is the original reason I began blogging all those years ago in 2001. It's almost five years since I began blogging. Wow. But yeh, it was the original premise for starting to blog and in some ways, I've missed that. When I began blogging, I was living alone in a small country town. I was desperately lonely for friends, for anyone. I had a hard job, which required me to work 24/7. I was just a boring sod, but I needed somewhere to vent, so I recorded everything online - even the things that I am almost ashamed to admit today.

So yeh. I guess this could be a new year's resolution for me. It's not something I've ever sworn to do and I have to admit, unlike new year's resolutions, I have a feeling that it won't be hard for me to keep this one. Now, if only I can keep resolutions like 'eat healthy', or 'lose weight', or 'be nicer'!

Now, 53 sleeps until we get the keys to our house...

Another woe. I'm silently panicking about whether we'll be able to maintain the mortgage and still pay the bills. It stresses me at night when I give myself too much time to go to sleep. It's at the point where I take a mersyndol when I go to bed, so that I can sleep - even if I'm lying there thinking about the house stuff, I'll eventually succumb to sleep - I can rely on that. Incidentally, for non-Aussie readers, mersyndol is a common, over the counter migraine/headache drug which has a relaxant in it. I take it when I've got a hum-dinger of a migraine and it's tightening my neck or really banging in my head.

So, yeh I worry. I know I worry. I am panicking about it. And I can't help but think that Glen is naive about the mortgage. It's an irrational thought, because Glen is a smart guy and we both know that we'll be ok, but it will be tough. But when I am panicking, I can't accept his consolations, because I just reason in my head that he doesn't really know, that he's naive and isn't in full receipt of the facts. I'm such a dill, I know.

And even now, I am quiet. Tonight, i have been quiet. I know it. I also know that I don't like talking to anyone, so if the phone rings, I ignore it. If Glen starts talking, I space out and I try not to initiate conversation. I think he understands though and he's patient. He knows eventually that I'll talk. He worries in the meantime. Anyway, I am quiet tonight and I'm not in a great mood. I'm sitting here, silently worrying about things, which many will think are insignificant, but worries that I know will plague me tonight unless I take a mersyndol and drift off to sleep. Before you start ranting at me, I don't take it a lot. I invariably get a migraine more than I have something to stress about - which isn't saying too much.

So this is me. This is the emotional wreck I can be.

Now, excuse me while I make another trip to the bathroom. Grr. :(