The life of an insomniac...

A while ago, I seem to remember promising myself privately and openly in this blog, that I would always be upfront and I would always talk about the things that were getting to me.

I seem to have developed some nice insomnia, which has deprived me of my sleep. Anyone who knows me knows that if I don't get between 7 and 8 hours sleep, I am ratshit, moody and generally snarly for most of the next day, declining steadily towards the next night of sleep - or in my case, no sleep.

Last night was the clincher. I went to bed about 10pm. It was hot and I had the fan turned up higher than normal. I had the window open and was under no sheets or doona. I tossed and turned. Glen came in, went to sleep very quickly and at midnight, I got sick of the crawlly feeling in my legs, the fact that I was twitching in my head and everytime I moved, I realised how warm my mattress had become under me. It was very irritating. So, I got up and went into the loungeroom, where it was slightly cooler. I couldn't switch off and eventually ended up on the loungeroom floor - it was the most comfortable place to sleep. I think I might have slept very lightly until 5.30 before needing to pee and then Glen was waking me at 6.30. My night was long and hot, so I had long decided, somewhere in between nothing and 5.30 that I wouldnt be fit for work.

The thing is, I haven't been able to let go of the little things. I've been worried about the house stuff, worrying about whether we have enough money and if we can afford it. The unknown scares me and what scares me more is that I'm getting Glen into this. Not that he would see it like that because I am not getting him into anything. But I still worry and I feel alone in this worry. And I know it's a small worry, but I think it's the small stuff; the stuff I can't seem to resolve, that gets to me the most.

The other major thing to upset me is this friend of mine whom I wrote about a while ago. I want it done with, but the latest chapter in that saga is she wants to discuss things and try and work it out. But I'm not overly interested and it is something I'm not overly excited about. You see, I've basically made my mind up and once that is done, I am done. So, to open up another avenue like this seems absolutely useless to me. It's flogging a dead horse. Then I start to feel bad, because I see this person as being someone who has a good heart, but who doesn't understand how her actions affect others and doesn't want to be responsible for that behaviour. She would rather others telly her to modify, than to look closely at her behaviour. She's been the person who was there when Glen had his appendicitis, who stayed up late that night with me, waiting for a call from the hospital to say he was ok. She visited Clio every day when she was a small puppy, to give her company and play with and feed her. She does nice things for people.

Then there is the other side where she is completely fucked up in herself. She doesnt want the responsibility of her actions. She finds pleasure in pushing people's buttons. She likes to antagonise. She is evasive. Secretive. Abrasive. Sour. She has a chip on her shoulder. She lacks understanding.

I could go on. I'm fighting a battle with the devil on one side and whatever the opposite is, on the other side. My solution to this draining individual is sever ties, disconnect and rediscover myself. And since the silence has begun, I have felt freer. I am afraid that it will spiral out of control again if I let the door open a crack, like she'll push her way in again and be that overbearing person I know her to be. It's like it's ALL or NOTHING with her and I'm not a person who can enforce those boundaries for others. But can anyone be expected to do that?

So, anyway. An audience has been requested with this person. She requested it. I dont know what to say. Do I say, "I dont want this anymore" and sever ties or do I appease everyone (including Glen and therefore, not myself) and say "Yeh, we can be friends, but I dont want to see you as much"?

What I want to do is never to bother again. But then I dont want to completely sever ties. I would like have a balance, but I know this person wont understand the balance I need. So, I am stuck and to be honest, I have spent way too much time thinking about it. I hate that. I am literally losing sleep and knowing that I have to sit down and have a long serious chat with this person is just so daunting. This is despite the fact that this person and I have NEVER had a serious chat about our friendship, ever. It's very foreign to me. I have nothing to say.

And then I am conflicted, because this person does favours for us. This shouldnt be an issue, because I shouldnt keep this friendship because she helps us out from time to time. I guess my point is that this person has entrenched herself so much in our life that she has let us rely on her, and she equally, relies on us. Her disappearance will be felt - in both a positive and negative way.

I dont really expect anyone to offer advice to me about this dilemma. I know the answers. I know I should do what I feel is the best. Incidentally, what I want is to sever ties and just cut my losses. But I'm not allowed to, or I dont feel like I am allowed to. So, I know you will all tell me to do what is right for me, some of you might even say to get rid of this person. I'm just saying that I feel so lost and trapped, all at once.

And I am losing sleep over it, because I have too much of a conscience and I am feeling more responsibility for this, than I should be. Is that how it sounds?

I dont want to be infected by this person anymore. I dont want to be dominated by this person anymore. I dont want to bite my tongue everytime this person says something I dont like. And I dont want to feel like I should spend time with this person and feel trapped when they pressure me.

Help me stop this! Argh!