Dilemmas...

I'm suffering from post-job shock. So many things are whirling around inside my head, preventing me from enjoying the experience of getting a new job.

First there's the whole situation where this was unexpected in so many ways. This afternoon's phone call was meant to be a phone call to organise a time to catch up for the presentation; an exhibition of my oral/creative thinking skills and my ability to present ideas. That never happened and I don't know whether that was because this guy thought I was hot-shit, so didn't need to subject myself to it, or because it was just never meant to happen.

Regardless, I wasn't expecting this outcome at this point. Today wasn't meant to result in a job offer, that was not part of the expectation, so I have been left completely off guard. I know, boo-hoo me, I should just shut up and deal with it, but it makes it hard.

The other thing is the whole, "You've only been in this job for 9 months and the previous job for 9 months!" I know. It sucks. The last job was hellish and in a strange twist, this new job was on the cards then, but I chose to take myself out of the equation and decline the offer. Funny how things work out. I'm hoping that means it is meant to be. Anyway, I'm having nerves about it. Performance anxiety, so to speak.

I think my self-confidence has been sapped in my current role. My manager finished insinuating today that I was incompetent and came out and told me that I was responsible for my own learning. God knows what that really means, but I guess she was trying to tell me that I wasn't taking initiative to learn more. That's hard to do when you are always so busy and drowning in your own work. She's sapped my ability to believe in myself by relegating me to the role of admin (which IS my PD). It was made clear at my interview that although I was fulfilling admin, I wasn't going to necessarily be doing much admin stuff, that I would be doing so much more than that. Turns out my manager realised I wasn't happy with admin and has decided to push me more into that. Very nice of her.

I find it demoralising. I mean, I have more education than her, probably a hell of a lot more experience than she does and yet, she's my manager. I think I have lost any respect I had for her. She's a micro manager who wants to proof everything we do and it's very humiliating. She wants to control everything and that means pushing us in the direction she wants to head - our teams initial purpose has been null and voided because of circumstances which occurred shortly after we arrived, so she has decided to take the team in a completely new direction - a direction that neither me or my colleague really want to head and away from our core skills. So, of course we're floundering.

I guess my rant over that really isn't valid anymore, because as soon as I get my contracts from this new job, I can tell my current manager to fuck off and get someone else to do her shit work.

I think it would be just nice to move into a job where I stayed for more than 9 months, where I could get comfortable and know the job so well that I was reliable and respected. I want to have some responsibility and not have someone thinking they need to pick up after me, undermine my confidence and take over. I'd like to be respected for the knowledge I have and the input I can provide.

So, I suppose that's why this whole job offer is really surreal and hard to fathom. I've lost confidence in myself and I guess my manager is right on half a level - I do need to take responsibility for myself, but not for my learning; for my confidence. I have to learn not to let others undermine my confidence in my abilities and to trust my instincts. When people trust me, I perform well. That's how I am. My old manager (also up for a role with this company) trusted me and my instincts and talents. He never questioned my logic, he supported me. I hope I can work with someone like him again. That's when I flourish.

Sorry for the blathering, but writing helps to make things clearer in my mind. I know that even though my current manager does not truly value my experience and skills, my new work does. I mean, that's why they chose me, without asking for recent work I've written, without speaking to two referees (they spoke to one). That was enough for them. That speaks volumes. They didn't need to tick all their boxes to know that they wanted me.

That feels pretty fucking awesome :) I just have to process that.