Friends...

I've been trying not to think about this situation since it took place. Well, it was only in retrospect that I realised something was wrong - that, coupled with the fact that my friend hasn't responded to my email, that I realise something probably isn't right.

It's not a very complicated story. My friend asked if she could visit me the weekend just after I had sent mum home. I said yes, because I hadn't seen her in forever and we never seem to get our shit together to pull off a meeting. Something always comes up, one of us has an excuse (valid, I'm sure) as to why we must cancel. The night before she was due to visit, Glen and I went to the cinema, as I recall I wrote a diary entry about seeing Brokeback Mountain. I turned my phone to silent during the movie and didn't remember to turn it back to normal ringing etc. I guess a combination of a late night and a sleep-in the next morning made me forget what was meant to happen that day - my friend was visiting. Anyway, during the course of the day, I realised I hadn't heard from her and assumed that she probably wasn't coming - this isn't entirely unusual for her. Sometime in the afternoon, I checked my mobile phone and realised I had a missed call - it was from my friend earlier in the day asking about a time to come over. I was later told by Glen that my mobile had rung whilst I was sleeping. By the time I received the sms, it was too late, so I smsed her back and apologised for the screw up and asked whether we could try another time.

I have not heard a word from her.

Firstly, I admit that I should probably have called her. I'm not renowned for being very good on the phone. Having said that, the day wasn't my best and I wasn't doing great. I woke with a headache and was feeling a bit blah. I'm pretty sure I was either suffering from a period, or getting close to it. It's a blur for me since my period seems to have been with me a lot, more than it hasn't.

Secondly, I'm feeling a bit irritated that it appears I am being punished for one fuck up, whilst I have forgiven my friend a whole heap of her own fuck ups. It's not that I am bringing these up to rub them in, or to say that my friend has a bad track record. I know for certain that her heart has always been in the right place and although, at times I have been frustrated by her actions, I've never stopped wanting to be her friend. So, I'm a bit pissed off that I'm being ignored? It's not that it isn't deserved (I screwed up), but a little slack could be given.

I have lots of personal stuff to deal with that many people don't know about, and it's not that it's dramatic or overly drastic, but I am dealing with stuff. Part of that is the result of my mother's visit, and the rest is for me to know. The fact is, I don't think what I did was that bad that I deserve to be ignored. Having said that, my friend also has a track record of not staying in touch, her emails are sporadic and our communication is generally hotch-potch. You know though, this is fine! I don't mind. I know she has a life, I have a life too, so maybe she's just being slack?

It's hard to speculate, and maybe I'm over-reacting, but I've heard nothing and I feel bad that for a change, I fucked up. I hate fucking up. I'm my own worst critic and I'm so hard on myself. It just shits me.

So, what's wrong with me? Who knows. My conscience is starting to worry me over it? Am I annoyed that she hasn't contacted me? Why haven't I contacted her then? Could I have done something more? Who knows.

It's a friendship that I don't rely on a lot and that's the truth. We're friends, but we aren't there for each other all the time, we don't call the other for help if we get stuck - we seem to rely on others for that first-hand help. But I will miss it if it goes away.