Separation...

I think I'm going to get deep here. I'm not sure whether it's wise, but I want to write about it. In any case, you have been warned. I'm not looking for comments telling me how to help myself, I think it's one of those things.

This might not be such a revelation to anyone, but I have fear of separation issues. I have always been afraid that the people around me, who I care about, will die, leave me or somehow, we'll be permanently separated. I have this fear a lot. It's never left me, not as time as gone by, nothing.

Where did it come from? I look back and think it's not very difficult to work out. My mother left my father before i was even born. Though it was not a separation issue per se, it is a separation that was completely out of my control.

Then, I was born into a world of where I inherited a sister who was already dying. My sister, Mandy was adopted. She was adopted by my mother in the knowledge that she would die young. Mandy had Cystic Fibrosis. She was, I think about 10 months old? I'm really not sure. Mum was told that she could never have children and with that in mind, she and my father went about adopting. Little did they know that I would be that blockage in the fallopian tube. I wasn't meant to be. They knew Mandy was sick, Mum fell in love though.

Mandy died when she was 10 and I was 6. I found her, I didn't remember for years after. It was one of those things that no one wants to remember. She left me. She was someone I desperately wanted to know, but couldnt.

Throughout my life, I suffered from anxiety that my mother would die. It became something to laugh about when I was 5 and my mother was having a birthday. I asked her how old she would turn. She said 35 and I burst into tears and cried, "You're going to die soon!". I think she might have laughed, not realising how serious I was.

I think that's why I became so good at being alone, couldn't feel a sense of imminent loss when you werent close to many. Or maybe I wanted to devote all my time to the ones I already had, keeping them close.

Maybe that's why I am so detached sometimes. Why I try to isolate my feelings and bottle it up, ignoring it. I tried so hard as a kid and teenager not to cry and I succeeded. I remember one night, mum shook me, trying to make me cry because someone close to me had died and I had cut it off, so I wouldnt feel. That was frustrating to her, but it was my way of killing the hurt.

Then I met GLen. He became a friend, a good friend, a close friend. The barriers came down and now, I have separation anxiety and I worry about how many more years we have together. I mean, he is 8 years older than me. Men, statistically die at a younger age than women, so he's already doomed, right?

I'm a nutcase, right?

So, getting to the reason why I am here tonight. When every Sunday night comes, I get separation anxiety whenever he leaves to go to his friends' place for his weekly get togehter. I hate being alone now that there's someone out there who I care about. I don't think he even realises why I go quiet and look like I am sulking! *laugh*

So, yeh I am a nutcase who has an irrational fear of being left, paranoia due to being surrounded by people leaving. Maybe I should study psychology afterall, then I could diagnose myself and save any head shrinking bills or further whacky entries like this.