Irony

A famous journalist died in Australia yesterday - see link above for the story.

The irony is, as he collapsed on the ground outside a story he was covering, his fellow journalist buddies grabbed a blanket (how convenient) and shielded him with it, asking others to give him his dignity.

How many other non-journalist, non-public figures get given that opportunity to retain their dignity as they are dying in front of strangers?

Not many, right?

I'm sad he has died, sad that he died so far from home. However, if they see their own as human enough to afford the right of dignity, how come when they are scrambling for the shot of the century, do they forget other people's dignity?

Ironic.

No wonder I got out.

Dilemmas...

I'm suffering from post-job shock. So many things are whirling around inside my head, preventing me from enjoying the experience of getting a new job.

First there's the whole situation where this was unexpected in so many ways. This afternoon's phone call was meant to be a phone call to organise a time to catch up for the presentation; an exhibition of my oral/creative thinking skills and my ability to present ideas. That never happened and I don't know whether that was because this guy thought I was hot-shit, so didn't need to subject myself to it, or because it was just never meant to happen.

Regardless, I wasn't expecting this outcome at this point. Today wasn't meant to result in a job offer, that was not part of the expectation, so I have been left completely off guard. I know, boo-hoo me, I should just shut up and deal with it, but it makes it hard.

The other thing is the whole, "You've only been in this job for 9 months and the previous job for 9 months!" I know. It sucks. The last job was hellish and in a strange twist, this new job was on the cards then, but I chose to take myself out of the equation and decline the offer. Funny how things work out. I'm hoping that means it is meant to be. Anyway, I'm having nerves about it. Performance anxiety, so to speak.

I think my self-confidence has been sapped in my current role. My manager finished insinuating today that I was incompetent and came out and told me that I was responsible for my own learning. God knows what that really means, but I guess she was trying to tell me that I wasn't taking initiative to learn more. That's hard to do when you are always so busy and drowning in your own work. She's sapped my ability to believe in myself by relegating me to the role of admin (which IS my PD). It was made clear at my interview that although I was fulfilling admin, I wasn't going to necessarily be doing much admin stuff, that I would be doing so much more than that. Turns out my manager realised I wasn't happy with admin and has decided to push me more into that. Very nice of her.

I find it demoralising. I mean, I have more education than her, probably a hell of a lot more experience than she does and yet, she's my manager. I think I have lost any respect I had for her. She's a micro manager who wants to proof everything we do and it's very humiliating. She wants to control everything and that means pushing us in the direction she wants to head - our teams initial purpose has been null and voided because of circumstances which occurred shortly after we arrived, so she has decided to take the team in a completely new direction - a direction that neither me or my colleague really want to head and away from our core skills. So, of course we're floundering.

I guess my rant over that really isn't valid anymore, because as soon as I get my contracts from this new job, I can tell my current manager to fuck off and get someone else to do her shit work.

I think it would be just nice to move into a job where I stayed for more than 9 months, where I could get comfortable and know the job so well that I was reliable and respected. I want to have some responsibility and not have someone thinking they need to pick up after me, undermine my confidence and take over. I'd like to be respected for the knowledge I have and the input I can provide.

So, I suppose that's why this whole job offer is really surreal and hard to fathom. I've lost confidence in myself and I guess my manager is right on half a level - I do need to take responsibility for myself, but not for my learning; for my confidence. I have to learn not to let others undermine my confidence in my abilities and to trust my instincts. When people trust me, I perform well. That's how I am. My old manager (also up for a role with this company) trusted me and my instincts and talents. He never questioned my logic, he supported me. I hope I can work with someone like him again. That's when I flourish.

Sorry for the blathering, but writing helps to make things clearer in my mind. I know that even though my current manager does not truly value my experience and skills, my new work does. I mean, that's why they chose me, without asking for recent work I've written, without speaking to two referees (they spoke to one). That was enough for them. That speaks volumes. They didn't need to tick all their boxes to know that they wanted me.

That feels pretty fucking awesome :) I just have to process that.

This shits me...

This just shits me. This poor little girl has been through so much.

I just can't believe it. People outside of Australia won't know this story, but I imagine the rest of us will.

People like her just aren't meant to endure this sort of crap twice.

It's fucked.

The verdict...

Apparently I'm good enough, I pass the grade.

I got the job.

I got the phone call this afternoon, after thinking that I would have to put together a whitepaper and then present on a topic for verbal presentation. However, the National Manager had seen enough, he was impressed enough not to care about having two references, instead taking one reference from my old manager, who is also being considered for a role with the company!

So, I'm pretty happy because I am almost at that stage where my name precedes me, where I am sought after and where my writing talents are sought after. I am wanted!! I am talented!!

This comes after having a bit of a run in with my manager today. I told her that despite what she thought, I was not incompetent and that she needed to understand that it's hard being new into the role. Anyway, I am fairly certain that nothing I said made a lick of difference to her. She thinks what she wants to think and I don't think she heard a word I said really. Stuff her. Early next week, I'm telling her to stick it.

Yay! We're going to celebrate!

Mental Dental...

So, I went to the dentist today. She was a nice dentist, she poked around in my mouth and prodded the sore spot on my gums which nearly sent me flying into next week. She then proceeded to pull all the weapons of mass pain out of my mouth, rip off her gloves and tell me that she wanted me to have an xray and suspected that I would need to see a specialist and discuss getting said painful teeth removed. Oh joy. Although, I'm kinda pleased because these bastard teeth will give me continual grief the entire time they push their way out.

Anyway, I got my xray done and whipped back to the dental surgery. Caught the dentist just before she was leaving and she was able to review my xrays very quickly and ascertain that my wisdom teeth are impacted? and will just push on my other teeth, creating more problems. So, I am being referred to a specialist who will discuss removing said teeth.

I have been given antibiotics for the pain and now, I guess I just wait to contact the specialist and beg him not to put me into hospital to go under a general - I'd much prefer a local, it's faster and I'd rather be awake for it. I've never had a general, so it makes me wonder how i would handle it.

Ok. I'm feeling really crap and I guess it's been a busy afternoon of driving around like a madwoman from surgery to surgery and back again. I would say that in the next couple of weeks I shall be getting thine teeth removed. yay and argh!!!

Clio in 50 years time

Clio in 50 years time, originally uploaded by Sams76.

Oh dear! We were angle grinding the tiles in the kitchen and as a result, a lot of dust was coming up. Coupled with a very strong fan pushing the dust out of the house into the carport area and into the pathway of one very inquisitive doggy!

Hrm. It looks so much worse than what it was. I guess the flash bought out the 'white' bits. Hrm.

Please don't email me to tell me how dangerous this is for her, I understand that, but trying to keep her away from the dust was just impossible.

Anyway, it's quite amusing to view now, don't you think? I mean, this dog is pitch black normally!

I'll be on your side forever more...

...that's what friends are for...

After the last post where I poured my heart out to the blogland about my rear-end problems, I got to thinking how potentially embarassing the whole saga can be and then, as the emails came in, I realised just how many people read! Woohoo, I think! Hrm. Anyway, what's a little pile between friends?

Btw, thanks for the advice and a special thank you to Sonnet for the home remedy of witchhazel. I'm going to try it.

Meanwhile, let's just say 4 glasses of Metamucil since Saturday and my bowels aint budging! I would say they have performance anxiety now, as nothing is moving, so to speak! I think the bigger issue here is what's going to happen when the pipes do clear? Am I going to be in a safe place? Will I be prepared? Am I going to regret all this fibre?

Suffice to say people, I won't be blogging about that experience.

In other news. Had interview number two this evening (not related to other number twos!). It went well, in fact, it went great! I really enjoyed it, which is completely unusual for interviews. The man was Irish and knew how to talk! I added my bits in every now and again and I think that did me justice. It was an interesting chat and I think I would very much like to work for this organisation. My colleague and I also discovered that there are two positions going, not the one, so we're a bit more positive about the idea that maybe they will take both of us? I know it might be wishful thinking, but it's a possibility, given we're both strong candidates. Wish me luck. I will apparently hear back Friday for the next round. Yes, a third round. It's like pulling teeth! The next round involves a presentation based on a topic they give us. Kinda sounds interesting really.

And thank god, Wednesday I get to see the dentist, because right now, my mouth is so sore, stiff and achy!! Bloody wisdom teeth, I don't remember having this much pain with the last infected wisdom tooth I had, but you know, I feel a bit de ja vu'ish! Hrm. Suffice to say, I'm sweating on Wednesday coming - I get to take half the day off and I get antibiotics for this mess in my mouth. The other positive, although you might disagree is I might be able to get my top wisdom teeth out. That would put an end to pain forever, me thinks.

Alright, time to relax and watch some ER from last week. :)