The life of an insomniac...

A while ago, I seem to remember promising myself privately and openly in this blog, that I would always be upfront and I would always talk about the things that were getting to me.

I seem to have developed some nice insomnia, which has deprived me of my sleep. Anyone who knows me knows that if I don't get between 7 and 8 hours sleep, I am ratshit, moody and generally snarly for most of the next day, declining steadily towards the next night of sleep - or in my case, no sleep.

Last night was the clincher. I went to bed about 10pm. It was hot and I had the fan turned up higher than normal. I had the window open and was under no sheets or doona. I tossed and turned. Glen came in, went to sleep very quickly and at midnight, I got sick of the crawlly feeling in my legs, the fact that I was twitching in my head and everytime I moved, I realised how warm my mattress had become under me. It was very irritating. So, I got up and went into the loungeroom, where it was slightly cooler. I couldn't switch off and eventually ended up on the loungeroom floor - it was the most comfortable place to sleep. I think I might have slept very lightly until 5.30 before needing to pee and then Glen was waking me at 6.30. My night was long and hot, so I had long decided, somewhere in between nothing and 5.30 that I wouldnt be fit for work.

The thing is, I haven't been able to let go of the little things. I've been worried about the house stuff, worrying about whether we have enough money and if we can afford it. The unknown scares me and what scares me more is that I'm getting Glen into this. Not that he would see it like that because I am not getting him into anything. But I still worry and I feel alone in this worry. And I know it's a small worry, but I think it's the small stuff; the stuff I can't seem to resolve, that gets to me the most.

The other major thing to upset me is this friend of mine whom I wrote about a while ago. I want it done with, but the latest chapter in that saga is she wants to discuss things and try and work it out. But I'm not overly interested and it is something I'm not overly excited about. You see, I've basically made my mind up and once that is done, I am done. So, to open up another avenue like this seems absolutely useless to me. It's flogging a dead horse. Then I start to feel bad, because I see this person as being someone who has a good heart, but who doesn't understand how her actions affect others and doesn't want to be responsible for that behaviour. She would rather others telly her to modify, than to look closely at her behaviour. She's been the person who was there when Glen had his appendicitis, who stayed up late that night with me, waiting for a call from the hospital to say he was ok. She visited Clio every day when she was a small puppy, to give her company and play with and feed her. She does nice things for people.

Then there is the other side where she is completely fucked up in herself. She doesnt want the responsibility of her actions. She finds pleasure in pushing people's buttons. She likes to antagonise. She is evasive. Secretive. Abrasive. Sour. She has a chip on her shoulder. She lacks understanding.

I could go on. I'm fighting a battle with the devil on one side and whatever the opposite is, on the other side. My solution to this draining individual is sever ties, disconnect and rediscover myself. And since the silence has begun, I have felt freer. I am afraid that it will spiral out of control again if I let the door open a crack, like she'll push her way in again and be that overbearing person I know her to be. It's like it's ALL or NOTHING with her and I'm not a person who can enforce those boundaries for others. But can anyone be expected to do that?

So, anyway. An audience has been requested with this person. She requested it. I dont know what to say. Do I say, "I dont want this anymore" and sever ties or do I appease everyone (including Glen and therefore, not myself) and say "Yeh, we can be friends, but I dont want to see you as much"?

What I want to do is never to bother again. But then I dont want to completely sever ties. I would like have a balance, but I know this person wont understand the balance I need. So, I am stuck and to be honest, I have spent way too much time thinking about it. I hate that. I am literally losing sleep and knowing that I have to sit down and have a long serious chat with this person is just so daunting. This is despite the fact that this person and I have NEVER had a serious chat about our friendship, ever. It's very foreign to me. I have nothing to say.

And then I am conflicted, because this person does favours for us. This shouldnt be an issue, because I shouldnt keep this friendship because she helps us out from time to time. I guess my point is that this person has entrenched herself so much in our life that she has let us rely on her, and she equally, relies on us. Her disappearance will be felt - in both a positive and negative way.

I dont really expect anyone to offer advice to me about this dilemma. I know the answers. I know I should do what I feel is the best. Incidentally, what I want is to sever ties and just cut my losses. But I'm not allowed to, or I dont feel like I am allowed to. So, I know you will all tell me to do what is right for me, some of you might even say to get rid of this person. I'm just saying that I feel so lost and trapped, all at once.

And I am losing sleep over it, because I have too much of a conscience and I am feeling more responsibility for this, than I should be. Is that how it sounds?

I dont want to be infected by this person anymore. I dont want to be dominated by this person anymore. I dont want to bite my tongue everytime this person says something I dont like. And I dont want to feel like I should spend time with this person and feel trapped when they pressure me.

Help me stop this! Argh!

My loss is my gain...

Loss

I have a confession.

I joined Weight Watchers on 5th January, in an attempt to reduce my increasing waist line and get back some of my dignity and confidence that I have been missing since being in Melbourne.

Actually, I didn’t quite join Weight Watchers, I kinda just came back. You see, I’m a Life Time Member. I reached my goal weight when I was a teenager, doing it with my mother. At the time, it was fantastic, but one crucial component to my lifestyle change was missing – my personal motivation and willpower. You see, my mother cooked the meals (mostly), she dictated what we had and I wasn’t allowed to purchase chocolate – it’s a bit hard to have such tempters when you don’t have money!! So, I became a very tiny 60kilos and was very thrilled. It was very noticeable and lots of people complimented. In hindsight, it meant nothing.

I’ve got a lot more to lose this time. I’m ashamed of that, but I am not daunted by it. To be honest, it was a long road to get to the blobification that I am, so it’ll be a long road to get back to what I should be.

Anyway, last week was my first weigh in. The only things I did last week were eat to the plan, avoid chocolate and high-points food and I think I walked once. I stepped on the scales and the lady gasped, made a strange noise and didn’t respond when I said, “what’s wrong?” At that point, I was starting to have a heart attack, internally panicking and wondering what her noise meant. I jumped to conclusions, because her noise meant, “Sam, you’ve somehow managed to lose 3.2kilos (just over 7lbs) from your lard arse!” I was visibly shocked, but more importantly, I was encouraged to continue.

This week wasn’t as great. I weighed in at lunch time, and somehow managed to stack on 500grams. Now, most of you will say that this is nothing and I shouldn’t be upset really. I understand that, but then I began thinking about what I might have done to upset the applecart, as it were.

The in-laws came for a visit on the weekend. I ate plum pudding with vanilla ice cream. I tried to limit my portion, but you know the dumb part? I DON’T like plum pudding and I prefer chocolate ice cream – chocolate anything – to vanilla. So, I have to stop myself from succumbing to that sort of shit.

One closer evaluation, I think my portion sizes are bigger than I estimated and perhaps I should have got off my butt to exercise more!! Hrm.

So, here it is internet. I have confessed. I was going to keep it a big secret for a while, but since this blog is a confessional, rather than a secret keeper – yeh right, I feel ok about speaking.

The WW thing has begun to gather momentum at work, with about 8-10 other people inspired to join. This has prompted one of the group to actually approach WW to do an At Work programme, where they actually come to your workplace, weigh you and speak with you. This could totally help, as Glen is already very supportive at home, so there’s no issue there (Mr I’ve Lost One Kilo!).

I have a lot to lose (in weight), so I am hoping that because I am heavier, the weight will drop off once I get my shit together. This will be a huge incentive to me. I mean, I’ve already noticed that my clothes are looser, to the point that all my work pants can be pulled over my waist and hips without being unbuttons or unzipped! Minor miracle there! I should also take my body measurements, as that’ll buoy me on the days like today!

Anyway Internet – shhhh!

eBay oddities...

I swear, you meet all types of dickheads, morons and snots on eBay. But then again, the majority are quite pleasant and easy to deal with.

Since Christmas, I have been listing a lot of items, from videos to VCRs, DVD player and TVs, as well as various other things. In that time, I have met one pleb who bid on my item, wouldn't communicate and then sent me a message saying he had decided not to pay and 'tough luck'. So, I wrote back and said tough luck to you, I'm reporting your ass! Another one purchased an item just before Christmas, promised to put the money in on 23rd December. I was still waiting for her to respond to two very polite emails asking what was happening. On the 29th so I wrote her a polite email saying that although Christmas was busy etc, she could have atleast responded to my emails as she had a responsibility. She wrote back and got snooty with me and then left a 'neutral' comment even when I left a positive one. Nice one cow.

Honestly, people just don't care anymore, they don't feel like they need to be accountable when they are face to face with the person they are dealing with. I swear, I've been nothing but polite, but sometimes you just wish people wouldn't waste your time. And then there are times that you wish you could withhold the item, just to fuck them over.

Tonight, I had a moron send a question in about the VCR I am selling. He starts it with, "Hey pal" - I'm nobody's freakin' pal! And then ends it with "Let me no (sp)". Yeh. I really want to take this twerp's money, let him come to my house and try to be civil with this turd?

On that note, time for bed! And honestly, I'm not in a bad mood, not even remotely. Just sometimes, I wish I had a $1 for every moron I seem to deal with - online and in reality! :)

On a side note, a big hello to Sonnet who is having baby #2 - good luck with Iris! And a hello to Margie who is suffering from the cold in Stockholm! Also, a big hi to Buzzaroni in the US - I have a little present for you which I will send shortly! :) And a thanks to Di and Ragan for sending her nice message. :)

And lastly, because I don't seem to know when to end a post, or how to introduce it! Anyway, it's apparently delurking week and I've been kind enough to say a big hi and howdy to the people who've asked for lurkers to delurk, so why don't you make me feel a little less lonely here in blogworld and send me a hello, where you are from and why you read. The third point, you don't have to comply with, but it's kinda cool to know.

Sourness is bitter...

My afternoon has been considerably taken over by personal email, in a huge effort to make someone understand my concerns about our friendship. This isn’t the first time it has happened, when I’ve tried to get things out into the open. However, it has backfired and currently, it is backfiring on me. I’m just so tired of it.

You see, it’s hard work being this person’s friend. I’m probably partly to blame, I don’t know how to handle her, how to put boundaries in place and how to tell her to back off. I’m not good at that and I know she wouldn’t react well to that. More so, because she would dismiss me as being ‘moody’ and ‘easily annoyed – both comments she has specifically used to describe me. The issue is I’m basically only moody when I’m around her, which doesn’t say much, as she seems to be the biggest consumer of my time. We hang out a lot and it’s become quite time consuming.

We do get along for a good portion of the time, but for me, when she oversteps a boundary, I find it very hard to reconcile this kind of situation and then I get annoyed. I don’t tolerate people who don’t take responsibility for their own actions and have no understanding of how their actions affect others. I’ve never tolerated that, except in children and animals and the very old! I think it’s largely because I am always very mindful of how and what I say, affects others. I bend myself in knots, trying to be considerate and all I see her doing, is just being very casual about it all and basically assuming the attitude that I’ll have to cope with it, because this is how she chooses to be.

So, I’ve basically told her that I choose to not be friends anymore. I told her that I chose this because all other avenues and options have been explored and I cannot find a resolution. I’ve said that she doesn’t know me very well, despite the fact that we’ve managed to sustain a 5 year friendship. In that time, this issue has never changed, we’ve never resolved it. This is largely due to the fact that both, she doesn’t know she is doing it and at the same time, doesn’t see it as an issue.

I feel very sad about this. When things were good with us, we were fine. It was a bit of a superficial friendship, but we had fun and we did favours for each other. But I guess I want more, and I want someone who actually knows me, who is considerate of who I am and who wants to be actively responsible for their actions. I don’t mind friends who accidentally do things that are hurtful and realise later, or understand when I tell them. I don’t mind that, because I do it too and I’m always happy to hear ‘feedback’ from my friends. I’m always keen to please my friends. This is another thing, because I’ve let other friendships suffer for it. I’ve been slack and I’ve let myself be a bit monopolised, but I don’t blame my friend for that.

I guess that leads me to something else. In a bid to be flexible and my keenness to be a good friend to this person, I’ve sacrificed some of the things I wouldn’t normally do. I’ve just let many things slide, when ordinarily, I wouldn’t. I have given this person so much leeway, tried to be considerate of where they are coming from, and still, I feel like it’s not enough.

I basically came to the decision that she and I were not good for each other and our friendship was unhealthy.

Now, she is blaming me, saying it’s my problem and that this has been my goal the entire time – to end the friendship.

Doesn’t she realise that because I’ve spent the majority of my time with her, that I’ve alienated my friends and not met anyone new? And that to cut ties with her hurts me a lot that way, despite the fact that I hate hurting people.

The clincher was her attitude about Glen. They were friends before I met Glen, there is history there – friends only. Basically she feels like she put up with him and gave him all these second chances, because he annoyed her or something.

I’m just so lost, I wish I had all the answers.

Trials and tribulations...

I'm sulking. I was called into the GM's office today and delivered the bad news. No new, exciting job for me. Apparently the girl who has been offered the position has extensive experience which couldn't be ignored. I'll survive. I'm a bit lost, but then I'm always lost when it comes to my career, when it comes to doing something I really love. You see, my jobs have never been something I really love, that I am passionate about. That makes me feel lost. But anyway, I'll sulk for a few days and then I'll get back to reality.

I've also realised today that a friend I have been having huge amounts of issues with is just a lost cause. We don't understand each other, there's always miscommunication and generally, we're just not good together. I realised too that her notion of who I am and the things I say is not who I am and is not what I mean. So, her take on me is inaccurate, but when she tells me it's my fault, or that I am overreacting, it's wrong. Being her friend really makes me question myself. So when she tells me I am overreacting, I often question myself, to the point where I doubt myself. When, in fact, I should trust my instincts and not listen to her. But it's hard and it's never going to work. I'm tired of the conflict, tired of the constant miscommunication and I'm tired of being undermined for my feelings. I hope that makes sense. It was like a bit of an epiphany today for me. It's been very hard for me to reconcile this friendship, trying to work out why I don't want it, and then sometimes, she is a good friend. I have felt very conflicted about this friendship and I think I've agonised over it more than she or anyone else has. But generally, this friendship is just unhealthy for me and it just can't work like that. I kinda have to be selfish about it.

Now, how do I actually tell her?

Incensed...

I swear, this world continually shocks and surprises me. The latest shock to my little delicate system (yeh right) is the latest news coming from the States, regarding how Utah and Washington have basically banned the film Brokeback Mountain because of its 'morally offensive' content. It has gone as far as to have the Conference of Catholic Bishops give it an 'O' rating, which basically labels it as morally offensive. Honestly, have we lost our minds?

I was thinking about it this morning whilst having breakfast. I am happy to be living in a country which is fairly open minded and above all else, holds the philosophy that whilst the things that some people do, is not always met with approval, it is not banned or buried away, never to be seen. I am certain this country houses a number of groups who would have a similar response to the movie, but in the main, I seem to live in a society which tolerates such things. More importantly, there are not whole states boycotting this movie, or the ideals behind it. I hope? What incenses me is that these cinemas and churches are speaking for a group of other people which it represents, or in the case of the cinemas, a group of people who have no choice but to accept the decision and find somewhere else to watch this movie. It reminded me of the movie, Footloose, which was set in a town which seemed to thrive on moral responsibility and good church-going citizens who burnt books and banned dancing.

I'm just a bit annoyed that the beliefs of some seem to dictate and impinge on the rights and beliefs of many, or of others in general. I always thought I was a pretty good person, I wasn't completely morally corrupt, though I am not a saint and that I accepted others as they came to me, without a great deal of judgement or prejudice. I accept others beliefs, and while I may not agree with them, I don't push my beliefs, or lack of, onto them. So, why do I feel like it's not the same ideal on the other side?

I don't want to be told what I can and cannot watch - that era of my life has passed (thanks Mum!). I don't want to be told that I am morally corrupt because I wish to watch a movie such as this one - I'm old enough to judge for myself and I'm certainly not going to jump onto the nearest gay-bandwagon and bat for the other side!

What gets me is that there are other movies which have been made in the past with similar themes, so what makes this movie different? And what was the reaction to those at the time? I can think of movies such as The Birdcage (yes, a comedy!), Angels in America and If These Walls Could Talk. I am sure there are numerous others.

I'm just a bit annoyed that there are factions within our society which have deemed themselves the holy protectors of my virtues and morals, when I did not delegate them and my virtues and morals did not need protecting. Why can't people just leave other people alone to live their lives the way they have seen fit?

Mine Clio puppy

Mine Clio puppy, originally uploaded by Sams76.

Just testing to see if the format changes I made have been activated.