Relieving the past...

We had a productive day in the kitchen today. We finally got the exhaust fan installed, like I said below. All is good - well, it's getting better.

Tonight, I decided to have a shower because it was getting late and my knee was killing me. The hot shower really helped. Outside in the kitchen, Glen was preparing our lunches for work tomorrow. You see, in our house we have wooden floorboards and so, it's very easy to hear when someone is walking around. So, I'm washing my hair and letting the hot water run over my head and warm me, when I hear him walking around the house. To me, in the shower, it sounds rather heavy, like he's cranking and instantly, I freak out and expect him to come crashing through the bathroom door to yell at me.

Why would I think that? My childhood.

Whenever I did something wrong, my mother would yell and it has had a very big impact on my life. I don't respond well to loud noises, yelling or anyone who 'appears' to be unhappy with me. I totally crumble and get very upset. I am rather sensitive to a person's mood, so if they sound unhappy or irritable, I instantly feel like I've caused it.

Please hear me when I say this, Glen has never yelled at me, never chastised me or burst into the room after I've done something wrong. He isn't that kind of person. I am so totally lucky that I shouldn't have to feel insecure like I used to. I shouldn't feel on edge and uncertain about his moods. But I do.

This is my childhood upbringing and this doesn't fault my mother, because she never hit me. Yes, she raised her voice and I guess that's why i respond so quickly to someone yelling. I'm just very sensitive to it.

So, I sit here, thankful that I live with a very caring person who loves me for who I am and who doesn't treat me like a child. However, I still feel on edge, I still expect to be yelled at and chastised and I'm just waiting and watching his moods, wondering what it is he means when he says something. I read too much into everything.

When will I get over it and what sort of behaviours would I be passing onto my children? It's scary that I might pass on my idiosyncracies and hangups to someone so innocent. And will I yell at my children like my mother, so that they might become 30 years old and still wince when yelled at, or near?