Yes, I had a meltdown on Friday and it probably hasn't really finished. I'm still annoyed with the vet and wonder why I keep upsetting people, but I am dealing with it.
I've decided that it's ok to be me, and that people know who I am and while I am conscious of choosing my words carefully, my friends expect me to be honest with them. That's what makes me special - that's what they call, my Value Add - this is my differentiater. I've been told that I shouldn't express my opinion, or be honest with people, whilst others have expressed their appreciation for my honesty. So, it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I just have to find those who love me for me. I found Glen, I'll find others.
My weekend wasn't without incident. We hired a trailer from the BP to haul some furniture home from a friend's parents' place. We loaded all the furniture, and halfway through the trip, we were pulled up by an very angry man. I was a bit disturbed - apparently a huge gust of wind caught the glass lid of a cabinet we had on the trailer and had hit the ground in front of this guy's car and caused some superficial damage to the car. Fair enough. It would appear he was basically more upset about having his life flash before his eyes, than the damage to his car. I can understand that. So, we swapped numbers and I guess he'll call. It shook both Glen and I. I gave myself a migraine and Glen got stroppy. It sucked all round, but I think we're fine now. What's done is done.
So, that was my week with glass, I've realised. First Clio got into some old glasses we left in the garage, then her arse careered into the window and now this. Go figure.
I'm faced with a bit of a crisis and I've written about this friend before. We've had problems before. She's difficult to be friends with, so I had it out with her. This is her response. Apparently she isnt aware of what she says and how it affects others. She made no commitment to be more aware in the future, or to be more accountable. So, apparently when she says something hurtful or whatever and sees me get shitty, she doesnt correlate the two.
When I tell her she is guarded, she admits it and shrugs, "Oh well, that's me".
When I tell her that she is sensitive and doesnt listen to me and hears what she wants to hear, she also takes this the wrong way and gets offended and huffy.
Then it becomes about how she is a burden to me, how I apparently seem to be doing her favours, that I'm moody and she doesnt understand why.
I told her she alienates her friends and she has no idea, and says she isnt aware, but makes no commitment to try and be aware of it.
I've tried pretty much everything. I've spent my work day talkign to her, it has taken up my day, I've thought about it a lot, thought about why I react, what it is about me that might upset her - she hasn't delved into her own personality to work out why she might be alienating people or why she says stupid hurtful things. She hasn't tried anything. I feel like I care a lot more about the situation than she does. She's making no effort.
So, I've decided she is way too high maintenance and even though she'll pull the guilt trip on me, and even though I know in her warped screwed up fucked up way, she cares - the friendship is too much for me to maintain and that I can't be honest with her and can't enjoy her company because she is so bloody moody and negative all the time.
So, it's time to take a step back, and let her think it's my fault and that she's done nothing wrong and let her sit in la la land and be her miserable self by herself. It's too much effort, I've tried so hard to adapt and be her friend and today, when I tried to really think long and hard about it and she sat on her arse and didn't analyse or think about why - I reached my limits. It's so one-sided like that and it's usually like that - not just occasionally.
So, now I'm left with one, maybe two less friends. I dont have many friends I connect with, so I guess that's why it's almost convenient, but it's not worth it. So, I feel a bit lonely. I feel a bit alone. I feel like it's me, even though the decision to be here was one made with full knowlege that it wasn't all me.
I'm kinda left wondering who I am. Actually, no - I know who I am, I like who I am and I am comfortable in who I am, so I'm kinda at a loss as to why someone people thought I was any different to what they expected? I've always been me, sure I've changed, but largely I've stayed true to myself. Only with this current friend, have I suppressed my need to get thigns out into the open when they occur and not hold onto them for ages, letting it build up. I repressed the person I was, because of this person, because I felt I had no choice. I'm tired of it and it's affecting who I am.
So world, if you don't like me, don't ask for my friendship. Some people do like me for who I am, they respect me for it and if you don't like me, I'm not peddling my wares to you, so you've only got yourself to blame.
I'm not taking a break from blogging - that's a bit dramatic for me! But I don't really feel much like baring my soul to the world, sharing my life with people who don't like who I am.
I could say sorry for being me, but that would be totally ridiculous.
I've decided that it's ok to be me, and that people know who I am and while I am conscious of choosing my words carefully, my friends expect me to be honest with them. That's what makes me special - that's what they call, my Value Add - this is my differentiater. I've been told that I shouldn't express my opinion, or be honest with people, whilst others have expressed their appreciation for my honesty. So, it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. I just have to find those who love me for me. I found Glen, I'll find others.
My weekend wasn't without incident. We hired a trailer from the BP to haul some furniture home from a friend's parents' place. We loaded all the furniture, and halfway through the trip, we were pulled up by an very angry man. I was a bit disturbed - apparently a huge gust of wind caught the glass lid of a cabinet we had on the trailer and had hit the ground in front of this guy's car and caused some superficial damage to the car. Fair enough. It would appear he was basically more upset about having his life flash before his eyes, than the damage to his car. I can understand that. So, we swapped numbers and I guess he'll call. It shook both Glen and I. I gave myself a migraine and Glen got stroppy. It sucked all round, but I think we're fine now. What's done is done.
So, that was my week with glass, I've realised. First Clio got into some old glasses we left in the garage, then her arse careered into the window and now this. Go figure.
I'm faced with a bit of a crisis and I've written about this friend before. We've had problems before. She's difficult to be friends with, so I had it out with her. This is her response. Apparently she isnt aware of what she says and how it affects others. She made no commitment to be more aware in the future, or to be more accountable. So, apparently when she says something hurtful or whatever and sees me get shitty, she doesnt correlate the two.
When I tell her she is guarded, she admits it and shrugs, "Oh well, that's me".
When I tell her that she is sensitive and doesnt listen to me and hears what she wants to hear, she also takes this the wrong way and gets offended and huffy.
Then it becomes about how she is a burden to me, how I apparently seem to be doing her favours, that I'm moody and she doesnt understand why.
I told her she alienates her friends and she has no idea, and says she isnt aware, but makes no commitment to try and be aware of it.
I've tried pretty much everything. I've spent my work day talkign to her, it has taken up my day, I've thought about it a lot, thought about why I react, what it is about me that might upset her - she hasn't delved into her own personality to work out why she might be alienating people or why she says stupid hurtful things. She hasn't tried anything. I feel like I care a lot more about the situation than she does. She's making no effort.
So, I've decided she is way too high maintenance and even though she'll pull the guilt trip on me, and even though I know in her warped screwed up fucked up way, she cares - the friendship is too much for me to maintain and that I can't be honest with her and can't enjoy her company because she is so bloody moody and negative all the time.
So, it's time to take a step back, and let her think it's my fault and that she's done nothing wrong and let her sit in la la land and be her miserable self by herself. It's too much effort, I've tried so hard to adapt and be her friend and today, when I tried to really think long and hard about it and she sat on her arse and didn't analyse or think about why - I reached my limits. It's so one-sided like that and it's usually like that - not just occasionally.
So, now I'm left with one, maybe two less friends. I dont have many friends I connect with, so I guess that's why it's almost convenient, but it's not worth it. So, I feel a bit lonely. I feel a bit alone. I feel like it's me, even though the decision to be here was one made with full knowlege that it wasn't all me.
I'm kinda left wondering who I am. Actually, no - I know who I am, I like who I am and I am comfortable in who I am, so I'm kinda at a loss as to why someone people thought I was any different to what they expected? I've always been me, sure I've changed, but largely I've stayed true to myself. Only with this current friend, have I suppressed my need to get thigns out into the open when they occur and not hold onto them for ages, letting it build up. I repressed the person I was, because of this person, because I felt I had no choice. I'm tired of it and it's affecting who I am.
So world, if you don't like me, don't ask for my friendship. Some people do like me for who I am, they respect me for it and if you don't like me, I'm not peddling my wares to you, so you've only got yourself to blame.
I'm not taking a break from blogging - that's a bit dramatic for me! But I don't really feel much like baring my soul to the world, sharing my life with people who don't like who I am.
I could say sorry for being me, but that would be totally ridiculous.
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